Swine Flu

This one is too easy so I will not write much about it.  If you have a sore throat, please go to the hospital and push grandpa with a broken hip out of the way because you think you have swine flu.  That is a great idea. I also suggest next time you piss and its yellow you stand in front of a bus because you probably have terminal dehydration and you are going to die anyway.  God I hate you. 

Verbal Ticks

In the words of Peter Griffin, You know what grinds my gears? People that have verbal.. uhh... ticks.  Like when I was at my rep meeting, my uhh, coworker sounded like ummm a fucking 9 year old Bulgarian trying to learn to speak english.

Like, how on earth have you made it through life without someone smacking you in your face for uhhh, not being able to complete ONE sentence flawlessly.  I know that it sometimes takes 8, or in your case, 75 years to master the english language so I try to be patient.  But as I count the number of likes, ummms, uhhhs, and okays you use, all I keep thinking is that there is a 1:1 relationship between your verbal vomits vs how many times your step-mom tried to drown you in the tub as a child.  Coincidence? I think not.

I work around the corner from the learnenglish.com building.  Do I really have to send over a FOB to teach you how to speak English?

Conference Calls

What the Fuck.  You know what really pissed me off?  When I schedule a meeting internally and book one of the few rooms reception says are available (even though when I walk past the majority of rooms there is never anyone in them... but that is for another day), that someone doesnt show up and decides to "call-in" from their desks.  If you do that, I hate you. 

Are you really too busy scheduling rep lunches or checking to see if your excel formulas are summing correctly (which is a complete waste of time as well, but that is also for another day) to take 30 minutes to have a face to face meeting?  For my sake, if there is an internal meeting, please attend in person.  If you don't, I am here to tell you that, because you are not there, whenever you are talking we have our end on mute and are talking shit about you.

Take Your Child to Work Day

As this is my first post... I figure I might as well piss all the parents off by saying, leave your children home.  In my opinion, if you bring your children to work, they should do work.  Take your child to work day has turned into free childcare for the day/excuse for why you have to leave at 4:30.  Bring your kid to work the day you will allow him to do work... say, by the age of 6.  I will immediately have them start answering my phone... or at least format stradegy runs.  That is if we haven't already employeed a monkey to do that.

Leave your kids at home.