It has been over two months since the mad media man has updated the blog with his version of "what grinds his gears." Well, with some new found time, I intend to make good of my promise to tell you reasons to encourage your offspring to stay far far away from media and advertising. My agency is a shell of a workplace right now. In my opinion, it is primarily caused by big egos that choose to do what THEY think is best and forcing their way vs doing what the clients want. In fact, sometimes I wonder if your salary is reversely correlated to how well you listen.

Why is it that every time that senior management talks to a client, they talk to us peons like we don't talk to them on a daily basis and know everything they have said to you. Oh and by the way, we also know that they think you are pompous and arrogant, but they didn't tell you that.

Here is my recommendation to you if you want to keep your business alive, stop listening to yourself talking and listen to your clients. Otherwise you will be listening to the unemployment clerk on how to fill out your form.

HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY

Why do people hide birthday cards when they are passed out for people to sign?  Is there an advantage to conveying the idea to the celebrant that their birthday means nothing to anyone? Who thought of the genius idea of pretending that we are so self-centered that  we aren't even going to acknowledge your birthday. And then, SURPRISE, we are not heartless SOBs after all, we bought you a 3 dollar card (which we are expensing).

People that pass around greetings card in an incognito issue of Poz to appear natural need to go.  That is about as natural as Joan River's face.  Can we please have a come to jesus right now.  On your birthday, you most likely will get a card that will be signed by your coworkers unless we have better things to do.  And if that is the kiss, piss off, I probably don't like you that much anyway so I don't want to CELEBRATE your birth. Thanks Bye.

Swine Flu

This one is too easy so I will not write much about it.  If you have a sore throat, please go to the hospital and push grandpa with a broken hip out of the way because you think you have swine flu.  That is a great idea. I also suggest next time you piss and its yellow you stand in front of a bus because you probably have terminal dehydration and you are going to die anyway.  God I hate you. 

Verbal Ticks

In the words of Peter Griffin, You know what grinds my gears? People that have verbal.. uhh... ticks.  Like when I was at my rep meeting, my uhh, coworker sounded like ummm a fucking 9 year old Bulgarian trying to learn to speak english.

Like, how on earth have you made it through life without someone smacking you in your face for uhhh, not being able to complete ONE sentence flawlessly.  I know that it sometimes takes 8, or in your case, 75 years to master the english language so I try to be patient.  But as I count the number of likes, ummms, uhhhs, and okays you use, all I keep thinking is that there is a 1:1 relationship between your verbal vomits vs how many times your step-mom tried to drown you in the tub as a child.  Coincidence? I think not.

I work around the corner from the learnenglish.com building.  Do I really have to send over a FOB to teach you how to speak English?

Conference Calls

What the Fuck.  You know what really pissed me off?  When I schedule a meeting internally and book one of the few rooms reception says are available (even though when I walk past the majority of rooms there is never anyone in them... but that is for another day), that someone doesnt show up and decides to "call-in" from their desks.  If you do that, I hate you. 

Are you really too busy scheduling rep lunches or checking to see if your excel formulas are summing correctly (which is a complete waste of time as well, but that is also for another day) to take 30 minutes to have a face to face meeting?  For my sake, if there is an internal meeting, please attend in person.  If you don't, I am here to tell you that, because you are not there, whenever you are talking we have our end on mute and are talking shit about you.

Take Your Child to Work Day

As this is my first post... I figure I might as well piss all the parents off by saying, leave your children home.  In my opinion, if you bring your children to work, they should do work.  Take your child to work day has turned into free childcare for the day/excuse for why you have to leave at 4:30.  Bring your kid to work the day you will allow him to do work... say, by the age of 6.  I will immediately have them start answering my phone... or at least format stradegy runs.  That is if we haven't already employeed a monkey to do that.

Leave your kids at home.